Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
