Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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