You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
