I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
