I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize