remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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