Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
