FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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