The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
