Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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