Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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