I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
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And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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