I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
