So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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