It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
