Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
