she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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