You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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