man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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