i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
