wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
