Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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