Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
