god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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