Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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