i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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