I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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