You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
