How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
