where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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