I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Houston, we have a blender
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
