I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You can't motorboat a personality
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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