I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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