totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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