All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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