Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
