I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
