im about as happy as oj after his trial
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
