just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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