I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
