OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
