I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
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