her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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