I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
