got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
