I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
