We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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