Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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