so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
