nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
