If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
