How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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