you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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