did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
be right there i have to get my cape
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
