guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
