the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
