Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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