Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
