I will die if light touches me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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