why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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