I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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